The Body Joyful by Anne Poirier

Author:Anne Poirier [Poirier, Anne]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Self-Help, Body Image
Publisher: Woodhall Press
Published: 2021-07-31T14:07:54+00:00

Groundhog Day

I was living in the movie Groundhog Day. Every year I spent dieting, restricting, overexercising, and putting on weight. Every year I was searching for the answer, beating myself up for binging or not staying on a diet. Year after year feeling like a failure. Never fitting in, never being happy. I was also left with years of missed memories with my kids. I was tired. So tired of beating myself up, exercising, and feeling deprived. Tired of always searching for the next answer to all my problems through weight loss. Tired of blaming my body for everything that was wrong with me. Tired of pinching my thighs, yelling at myself, running myself into the ground. Tired of the thousands of sit-ups, tired of the lying. Tired of feeling stupid because I couldn’t figure this shit out, like everyone else seemed to have. Just plain tired of listening to the replay in my brain and hearing myself complain over and over again. Tired of seeking outside of me for the answer that would never be there.

I was done. If I truly wanted a different result, I would have to do something different. I would have to stop looking outside of myself. Stop seeking approval from everyone else. It was time to start looking inside to myself. It was time to be more compassionate and curious rather than judgmental and jealous.

I saw things differently the moment I accepted that I had been looking in the wrong place. I was looking in the bedroom for the recipe book that has always been kept in the kitchen. I started to question what I had always done and shift my perspective around it. Seeing it from a completely different vantage point gave me permission to choose to think differently. Permission to choose to rest. This permission to choose provided me with a pause that was followed by a wave of calm. A wave of peacefulness that comforted me like a warm blanket.

It was that one choice to accept myself at the weight I am and to stop searching for the next thing that was going to (or supposed to) make me happy. That one choice to start questioning the way I was living and the beliefs I was living by. It was time to admit I had been wrong. I had to admit I had been lying to myself and holding on to false beliefs. I had to admit that my behavior had repeatedly hurt others. I had to admit I was blaming others for my own actions. It was time to take responsibility for myself and my actions, thoughts, and behaviors. I also had to admit that even when I did lose weight and look like I thought I was “supposed” to, nothing changed. I had years of experience to prove that.

Yuck. Did I actually have enough strength to start from scratch? To start the process of rethinking, replanting, and re-believing?

The comfortable and easy choice would be to keep thinking the way I had.

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